Jaws, a twitch, and my daughter.

Here's my favorite clip from the movie Jaws.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BinyLUJwKEg

Sometimes it's easy to forget that children watch everything.  It's true.  They also like to imitate their parents. 

I have a twitch.  I'm sure some might call it a tic.  I am quite aware of it and also know exactly when it originated.  I am also sure that it is a bit disconcerting to some.  It's not caused by disease, but rather habit. 

This tic was developed when I was younger (I think it was the summer between my sixth and seventh grade years, but might be wrong).  I knew that there was a God and a devil.  My father told me some story of a play (probably Faust) where the main character sold his soul to the devil.  He had no idea how profoundly this would affect me as I got older. 

What happened was that I, as a young man, felt an immediate temptation to 'sell my soul'.  I had a feeling that the devil was running things through my head for which I should trade my soul. 

As a sidebar, I now feel that we ARE souls and, as such, can't really sell our souls.  But I digress. 

The feelings of temptation caused me to constantly carry on a silent conversation in my head, where I would tell the devil no and then beg God to get rid of him.  To help me with him.  This was a torturous experience.  I don't know if the devil really was tempting me or if it was probably just the active imagination of a young child.  Probably the latter.  However, to me at the time, I felt that it was real, and it had me constantly petrified, feeling as if my soul was in danger.  That all I had to do was say 'yes' once and my eternal sould would be damned.  This caused me, again, to consistently speak with God; pleading with Him for help.  At the end of each prayer, I would say 'Thank you God.  Amen.'   I would nod quickly at each Amen. 

Thousands of prayers?  Millions?  I don't know the exact number.  What I do know is that this quick nod eventually became a habit.  It felt comfortable. 

Eventually, the temptation went away.  However, the habit remained.  Hence, I had developed a tic.  I tried my best to supress it in school, but have no doubt that it came about sometimes, even without my conscious effort.  There was no doubt talk of it among classmates.  Some less obvious and some overt bullying.   This caused me as much, if not more stress than the original temptation.  Fun stuff for a junior high student, eh?

I am not wanting to turn this post into a pity party, but rather to say that for me, it did have a rational basis. 

Why this is important is that, several months ago, Jen told me that she saw Esther twitching with her head in the same way.  This caused immediate concern to me as this would have been directly related to me.  She was doing it because she saw her father do it.  To say it semi-panicked me is an understatement.   The last thing I want is for my daughter to be saddled with something that had such negative effects on me. 

When I saw her do it, I told her that, though she saw me do it, she shouldn't.  That it was something that I couldn't control, but that she could.  I was honest with her.  As a result, she hasn't done it since that time. 

I, like every parent, am a model for my children.  Whether I curse, treat people respectfully, pick my nose, sing aloud, or have a tic, everything I do, no matter how seemingly benign, is something that they might pick up and apply to their personal makeup.  This is a very strong lesson that I learned.  I also am quite aware that this will probably be repeated with Cynthia.  The same lesson remains.  And I shall always keep that in mind.

And now you also know why you might see me twitch my head from time to time.  I'm alright.  It just reminds me to tell God thank you and Amen for every blessing He has given me. 


God bless you all.